My twenty-two month old daughter is becoming quite the song bird and we are nearly constantly blessed with her very special rendition of the old family classic, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Her version is belted out with gusto and goes something like this:
"Row Row Boater Da Da Cheese... Bear, Bear, Bear, Bear, Da, Da, Dream!"
Perhaps, due to the constant exposure that only a toddler can provide, this song has repeatedly come to mind as I've worked with clients this week. I have used the life metaphor of a row boat more times than I care to admit. While the context of people's circumstances have differed, my general intervention has gone something like this:
Me: "So it's like you are in a boat in the middle of the ocean during a storm. Are you trying to direct the boat by rowing or are you just letting the waves and wind push you around?"
Generic Client X: "I'm not rowing... Darn..."
Me: "In life we need to try to direct the boat or else we just get battered by the storm. There are things we can't control but we almost always have influence. We feel better and often have a better outcome when we are at least working to increase the odds of attaining our desired outcome. So what could you do in this situation to [achieve stated goal?]"
It's a simple concept, but an easy one to lose track of. Research has shown that when people can see their personal power in a situation they are much less likely to become depressed. When we direct our lives, and play the hero role in our own personal story, we just feel good. We see our goals and dreams as attainable through our choices and dedication, and in fact, we are more likely to bring them to fruition. When we feel like the victim of circumstances, and we let life happen to us, rather than using our choices to lead us in a particular direction, depression is much more likely.
How we approach our life is something that we learn throughout our childhood. Often, the messages that we are given in the early years of life lead to a habitual way of looking and interacting with the world. If our parents give us the message that we are helpless in a situation that is difficult, we will feel like we lack power. If our parents help inspire us and coach us to face challenges head on, we learn that we have influence and choice.
Instilling this awareness in our young child is crucially important. Our preschoolers are just learning how to understand the workings of the world and their role within it. As parents, we have a wonderful opportunity to safeguard them from depression and guide them toward empowerment through the interpretations that we teach them on a day to day basis. As always, our children are watching our own reactions to life's hiccups, so modelling, (or developing), our own internal locus of control is a powerful step. Similarly, praising and encouraging our children's efforts to take initiative and solve problems during real life situations is the most important tool we have in our toolbox. But there are other ways to prepare our children to be the captains of their own boats!
Story telling can be a fun and powerful way for parents to help instill an empowered attitude in their children. For younger children, this can be done by highlighting the choices and actions of a character in a favorite storybook. For example, you could say something like, "Look Johnny, Captain Ahab wanted to catch a fish so he decided to grab his fishing pole and go the river. He never would have caught a fish if he hadn't at least tried!"
Open ended stories that allow your child to discuss possible reactions are another powerful way to instill an internal locus of control. You get to paint the scenario, possibly drawing from real life situations your child might benefit from some coaching on, and then prompt them for an empowered ending. Here's a real life scenario from my own household:
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there was a little boy named Liam who had a little sister named Gracie. Sometimes, when Liam was playing with his cars, his sister would pull out their drum and would begin singing to herself while banging on it as loudly as she could. When Liam saw his sister having so much fun with the drum he realized he wanted to play the drum, too! What do you think Liam will do?
The story format prompts for creative problem solving, which is the antidote for a dis-empowered attitude. The key to using this format is to realize that there are no inherently right or wrong answers. Now if your child comes back with something naughty or wholly inappropriate, like "Liam grabs the drum out of Gracie's hands and then tries to cover her mouth so that Mommy can't hear her scream," then clearly a redirection needs to be made! Something along the lines of:
But Liam's Mommy sees what Liam has done! She immediately gives the drum back to Gracie and Liam has to sit in time out while Gracie continues to have fun with the drum. When Liam gets out of time out, he still would like a turn. What could he do then?
Responses you might reward with a positive outcome to the story might include:
"Ask nicely for a turn." "Ask if she will let me play the drum with her." "Ask Santa for another drum for Christmas so we can both play at the same time." "Offer Gracie her favorite toy to trade with." "Wait until she's taking her nap." Or any other step that is both appropriate and shows an attitude that a solution can be found. The goal is for the child to cast him or herself in the role of "hero" rather than "victim," (or obviously villain!) within the story that is created.
If there's a particular scenario that is particularly challenging for your child, it can be fun to take the storytelling one step further and create a story book with your child that s/he can revisit whenever they'd like. This can be done with crayons and paper, pictures cut out of magazines and glued into a notebook, or even by taking digital photos setting the scene and creating a photo book online! Anything that creates a pictorial reminder of empowered behavior.
An empowered attitude helps build up a child's resilience and is a way of inoculating them against depression. Teaching your children to row their boats now, will help them to create healthy, happy and satisfying lives from now through their adulthood.
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